What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
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Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.