What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

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If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.


Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.


Uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh huh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh huh

Me, Rap battling


Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?


me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it


OK. There’s several layers of fun to be had with this screen shot.


I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.


“Baby I was wrapping presents for a charity” is both the best and the very very very worst excuse for coming home late covered in glitter.


There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.


*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.