@ItsAndyRyan

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

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@bazecraze

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

@trevso_electric

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

@kelkulus

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

@DatingLeah

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

@HairyJew4Life

My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let’s take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I’ll get the other

@arcadeseals

[watching the lion king]

me: i’ve never seen this before

wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready

me: i hardly think i’m going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen

@brennadine

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

@swiftenhaal

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

@PoodleSnarf

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

@QwertyJones3

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.