What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

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Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.


And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.


“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.


Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.


My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let’s take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I’ll get the other


[watching the lion king]

me: i’ve never seen this before

wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready

me: i hardly think i’m going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen


Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.


If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.


When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire


Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.