What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
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Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
emergency phone
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
When I face a minor setback
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no