@Vodkantots

What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

@UncleDuke1969

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

@generaldietz

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

@ElleOhHell

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

@michaeljhudson

*dog runs for president*
*is asked race sensitive question
“The thing is, I don’t see color”
*crowd goes wild*

@JustBeingEmma

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

@dumbbeezie

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

@BuckyIsotope

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen