Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

they should create new variants of dopamine

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

How much for the goth pool noodles?

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats