What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
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Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
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Can I donate fat instead of blood?
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan