What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
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Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.