What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
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If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”