What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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watching gymnastics
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Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt