What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

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Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.


[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.


pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.


The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.


Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.


Green smoothies because who has the time or energy to chew 17 cups of spinach/lettuce/kale


Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to ‘Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!’?


Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this


I was pretty excited about this box of elbows before I saw that it was only macaroni.