@ABurgerADay

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

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@ReticentTurnip

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

@SuperShourds

My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.

@AndrewNadeau0

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

@theekillerqueen

I’m gonna start using my cat’s ages like y’all do your kids.

5 just projectile vomited and 1 is trying to eat it off the floor.

@fro_vo

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

@Nahdude83

*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*

*punches watermelon*

“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”

*slams hands down*

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”

@bartandsoul

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

@IamEnidColeslaw

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move