@ABurgerADay

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

You Might Also Like

@CatsVsHumanity

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

@Vodkantots

[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.

@CopBroughtPizza

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

@mack44_d

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

@DarlingNikki_12

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

@jdforshort

Green smoothies because who has the time or energy to chew 17 cups of spinach/lettuce/kale

@cluedont

Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to ‘Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!’?

@Fred_Delicious

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

@thejakeshenry

I was pretty excited about this box of elbows before I saw that it was only macaroni.