What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.