What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Don’t we all.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
my dad has had enough
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.