What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
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I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
A customer told me they were never coming back….
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂