what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Britain be like
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!