What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
You Might Also Like
Well well well…
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.