Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it