What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
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I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Flowers bee like
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
