Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
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Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
wait.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Super Hand Dog Face
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?