What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
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A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
This headline is a thing of beauty
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”