What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
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When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.