What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
You Might Also Like
Goat cheese is for herders.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.