What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
You Might Also Like
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation