What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
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[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Morning all.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS