What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
You Might Also Like
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
So, can we agree on 4 or
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
jesus, what did this guy do
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
All set.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”