What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
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Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
who did the taste test?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.