what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
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I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Oh deer
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today