what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
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“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”