what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
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When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.