what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
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My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Merica.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.