What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
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My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
The Backseat Boys
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
I know
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.