What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
You Might Also Like
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.