What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
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genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”