What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
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Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.