What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
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Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I would move hell over six inches for you
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
They got Raph!
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.