What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
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Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.