What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
You Might Also Like
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.