What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
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I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Isn’t
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Covid like
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.