What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
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{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!