What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
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if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.