What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
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GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.