Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

the icebreaker

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.