That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
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Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.