What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
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me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.