What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
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BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Going into Monday like
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”