What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
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[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
knights of the ikea table
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I am crying
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Mad Max Arctic Road
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.