what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
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Me too 😆
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Never ghost your hitman.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?