what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.