Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.