what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
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(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
This hospital has everything
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
(Gaming support cat.)
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.