What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
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the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here