What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”