What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
You Might Also Like
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
💀💀
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Oh. My. God.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.