Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

ㅤ

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills