What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
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[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around