Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Roses are red
Violets are blue

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

My birthstone is a marshmallow

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

Orange cat behavior 😂

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help