[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
You Might Also Like
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Merry Christmas
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg