What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.