What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
WWE is French for “yes”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.