Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

Finally, a door that understands me

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)