what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
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Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
drew a comic about my origin story
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
Its true…
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
For anyone who needs this today
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.