Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

Finally a use for spoilers…

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Good morning

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.