What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
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Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
*limbos under the caution tape
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet