Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat: