Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

Fluff me with a fork baby

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?