what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
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Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
this will hang in the louvre one day
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Ah..makes sense now
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?