what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Breaking news:
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.