Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being