What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
What happened to the other hiker??!
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
This meal prepping shit easy
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.